Hello, all. So, as some of you may know/care about, I have recently been diagnosed with the swine flu and quarantined until my symptoms are long gone and can no longer hurt me or anyone else. As such, I have a lot of time for writing for the next few days. In addition to catching up on my various responsibilities I’ve started a new little project called (tentatively) “Swine Flu: A Love Story.” I’ll post sections as time passes to assure everyone that I am alive and well enough to be writing romantic comedies. Installment number one…
(A living room. LUKE is lying on a couch, reading. There is a knock at the door. He rises to answer it, making a feeble attempt at straightening himself up on the way. Standing at the door is HALEY.)
LUKE
Oh. Hey.
HALEY
Hey you. How are you?
LUKE
Ummm, alright. I’d invite you in, but, uh…
HALEY
Yeah, I heard.
LUKE
Yeah, so…What’s up?
HALEY
You look like you’re doing better.
LUKE
Better than…
HALEY
I just heard you were pretty bad for a couple days.
LUKE
Oh, yeah.
HALEY
But you’re better.
LUKE
Getting there.
HALEY
That’s good. So, listen. I’m…sick.
LUKE
What?
HALEY
I know. Crazy. Woke up this morning, fever, achey, sore throat.
LUKE
Oh no, are you serious?
HALEY
Yes. Terrible.
LUKE
I’m so sorry. It wasn’t…
HALEY
No, it wasn’t you. I haven’t seen you in forever.
LUKE
Right.
HALEY
How have you been?
(Off his look.)
Right, yes. Silly question.
LUKE
What do you think you have?
HALEY
Well, I know it’s flu.
LUKE
You do.
HALEY
Sure, all the symptoms, right?
LUKE
Sure.
HALEY
I don’t know where I got it, I mean, who ever knows?
(Beat.)
You could invite me in, now.
LUKE
Oh yeah, I guess, all things considered.
(She comes in and he closes the door behind her.)
What’s in the bag?
HALEY
So…funny story.
LUKE
I’m ready.
HALEY
My roommate Dani, you remember her?
LUKE
Yes.
HALEY
She ran into Tony at Chipotle, total coincidence. He told her he moved into your aunt’s house, I guess, until you get better.
LUKE
Right.
HALEY
And Dani is freaked out about this whole thing. She just started a new job and she’s been spraying Lysol all over everything.
LUKE
Uh huh.
HALEY
She said she’d call you about it but I guess, uh…
LUKE
Call me about what?
HALEY
And Tony was totally cool with it.
LUKE
You’re…staying here.
HALEY
I swear she said she’d call.
LUKE
I believe you.
HALEY
If this is weird at all…
LUKE
No, just a little.
HALEY
But it beats being alone.
LUKE
Of course.
HALEY
You won’t even know I’m here.
LUKE
Don’t be silly.
HALEY
I didn’t realize your brother just left you here.
LUKE
Yeah, his band has a gig this weekend.
HALEY
Is it a big deal?
LUKE
Any gig is a big deal.
HALEY
Wow.
LUKE
I mean, to be perfectly honest.
HALEY
I didn’t realize he was still doing that. I saw them one time.
LUKE
Oh, what am I telling you for then?
HALEY
Yeah, I definitely know.
LUKE
So, lie down, I mean, get comfortable, it’s probably worse for you right now.
HALEY
Worse…
LUKE
Worse than it is for me.
HALEY
No, it hasn’t hit me too hard yet. Can I get you anything?
LUKE
I think I’m good. Help yourself to whatever.
HALEY
Okay. Thanks. I brought Nila Wafers.
LUKE
I love Nila Wafers!
HALEY
I know! You mentioned it…One time.
(Shrugs, feigning casualness.)
LUKE
I probably won’t be very exciting company.
HALEY
What were you reading?
LUKE
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, actually.
HALEY
Oh, funny. A girl at the office was reading that.
LUKE
Yeah, my upstairs neighbor heard I was quarantined and dropped off some books. She reads a lot.
HALEY
That was nice of her.
LUKE
Yeah. She didn’t stay long.
HALEY
Didn’t want to risk it.
LUKE
Exactly.
(Looks at the book.)
I think this would be a lot funnier if I’d read the original.
HALEY
I’m so happy I’m not the only one who hasn’t read that.
LUKE
It’s one of the things you pretend you’ve read, you know?
HALEY
Exactly!
LUKE
Of course, there’s plenty of guys who haven’t.
HALEY
I guess so. You just seemed…
LUKE
Like that type of guy, right?
HALEY
What, the…reading type?
LUKE
Sure.
HALEY
That isn’t bad, is it?
LUKE
I guess not.
HALEY
So, I’ll leave you to it.
LUKE
(Putting the book down.)
I’m kind of done for now I think.
HALEY
Don’t let me-
LUKE
No, I’d rather talk to you than…
(Feigning disgust.)
Read.
HALEY
(Laughs.)
You really are that kind of guy. So, this girl upstairs. Is she…I mean, are you…You’re just gonna let me keep going.
LUKE
We’re not anything. She and I. Just friends, I guess, since she brought the books and stuff. Before that, I don’t know. She saw Tony with all his things and asked what was up.
HALEY
That’s funny.
LUKE
I guess. She’s nice. She’s a nurse I think, unless I’m totally making that up.
HALEY
That’s good, to have good neighbors. I have a guy across the hall who brings over leftovers sometimes. He must be a chef or something. I mean, ah-mazing.
LUKE
Yeah, maybe I should have moved in with you. I mean, for the week.
HALEY
Is that how long it takes? A week?
LUKE
That’s what they told me. One week or twenty-four hours after symptoms go away, right?
HALEY
Oh, right.
LUKE
Is it bad I’m kind of loving the time off?
HALEY
No.
LUKE
I mean, it’s not like it’s vacation, I’m vomiting.
HALEY
Vomiting?
LUKE
Oh, not for a couple days now. I’m kind of on the downward…Yeah, not today at all.
HALEY
I guess that’ll happen to me, soon enough.
LUKE
Maybe it won’t hit you as hard.
HALEY
Yeah, that’s true. These things usually don’t, actually. I have a pretty strong…constitution, and everything.
LUKE
Stronger than mine, I guess.
HALEY
What can I say?
LUKE
I’m not really coming off very masculine, am I?
HALEY
Well, I caught you at a bad time. And I’m just not very reactionary.
LUKE
I guess we’ll see. Swine flu is known to be surprising.
(Beat.)
I just made that up.
HALEY
Oh good.
LUKE
Why’d you ask, about the girl upstairs?
HALEY
Does she have a name?
LUKE
Christina.
HALEY
Pretty.
LUKE
So…
HALEY
Just curious.
LUKE
It didn’t have anything to do with…
HALEY
Right. Elephant in the room.
LUKE
That’s why I was worried you got it from me.
HALEY
It was so long ago.
LUKE
Just a couple weeks.
HALEY
Still. Two weeks.
LUKE
You’re probably right.
HALEY
I mean, it might have been. Does it take a while sometimes?
LUKE
Maybe.
HALEY
I guess. I mean, it crossed my mind, obviously.
LUKE
Listen, I’m sorry.
HALEY
(Quickly.)
For what?
LUKE
Well, if I gave you the virus, I guess.
HALEY
Oh, it wasn’t your fault.
LUKE
Yeah, I mean, it wasn’t exactly one-sided.
HALEY
I just meant, you didn’t know you were sick.
(Beat.)
But the other thing wasn’t your fault, either. Entirely.
LUKE
Not like I didn’t have any part in it.
HALEY
Obviously.
LUKE
I was surprised, but that doesn’t mean anything.
HALEY
Surprised by what?
LUKE
By what happened. Not the flu, but-
HALEY
We made out.
(Pause.)
Just, might as well say it.
LUKE
Sure.
HALEY
Surprised? Again?
LUKE
A little.
(Beat.)
I was just a little…You know, the end of a long day…
HALEY
Oh. Yeah?
LUKE
not that I didn’t want it.
HALEY
Uh huh.
LUKE
And I…liked it.
HALEY
That’s nice, good to hear.
LUKE
I’m just not usually the kind of guy who does that.
HALEY
Right.
LUKE
I’m the kind of guy who…reads and…
HALEY
Vomits.
LUKE
(Laughs.)
Yes.
HALEY
Well, I don’t think it would take me that long to get sick. So, you’re off the hook, as far as that goes.
LUKE
That’s a relief. So this was just…crazy timing.
HALEY
Crazy. Yes.
LUKE
Okay. Good to know I didn’t…contribute to the pandemic. I like to think I’m a responsible citizen. As soon as I felt anything I was at the doctor’s, getting tested. No risks.
HALEY
No risks.
LUKE
Not…usually.
(Beat.)
Crazy timing.
HALEY
(Lying down on the other couch.)
I’ll sleep here.
You’re a nerd, Matthew. Only you.