Here is installment number two. (Also, a caveat: art imitates life. There are elements of life mixed with elements of fiction in everything I write. If we’re good friends you can probably spot some of the elements of life. Please don’t, however, draw any conclusions from those things. They’re probably unfounded. My writing isn’t nearly that significant.)
HALEY
(Sitting down on the other couch.)
I’ll sleep here.
(Takes the box of Nila Wafers from her bag.)
We can crack these open too.
LUKE
Oh, excellent.
HALEY
Yeah, we might as well have a good time while we’re locked up, right?
LUKE
Yeah? What’d you have in mind?
HALEY
I…don’t really know.
LUKE
Oh, okay. I was afraid maybe you brought Yahtzee or something.
(HALEY laughs uncomfortably.)
We could just talk. Or you could grab a book, I guess.
HALEY
What do you want to talk about?
LUKE
I don’t know, whatever.
(Starts munching on Nila Wafers. Silence.)
You totally brought Yahtzee, didn’t you?
HALEY
Uno. But we don’t have to play.
LUKE
Maybe…not right now. We can just talk.
HALEY
Have you heard about Dani and Chris? He’s been asking her out a few times and she’s still hot and cold about it, you know, Dani.
LUKE
Typical.
HALEY
But he seems pretty into her and he brought her flowers the other day. So I don’t know. Not…a terribly interesting story.
LUKE
No, I wouldn’t say that.
HALEY
I just think it’s funny. I mean, who would have guessed Dani and Chris.
LUKE
Totally.
HALEY
Okay, so that’s all I’ve got. Umm, tell me about zombies.
LUKE
What? Oh, the book. I think it’s funny that someone went to the effort to write this.
HALEY
That bad?
LUKE
No it’s just…The title says it all. I mean, it’s a gimmick.
HALEY
Gimmicks sell.
LUKE
True. So, Dani. Where’s she from?
HALEY
We grew up together. Almost next door neighbors.
LUKE
Oh, cool.
(Beat.)
Good place to grow up?
HALEY
I guess. I mean, it’s the only place I ever have grown up, so…
LUKE
Yeah, that’s kind of a dumb question.
HALEY
A lot of them are. You know, the small talk questions.
LUKE
Where are you from, what do you do for a living…
HALEY
Or people who get really creative and ask things like favorite color.
LUKE
Yeah, as if that had any kind of meaning.
HALEY
I know a guy who always asks girls how many boyfriends they’ve had.
LUKE
Just, right up front?
HALEY
No, on a first date usually.
LUKE
That’s a ballsy move.
HALEY
He’s a ballsy guy.
LUKE
He asked you, didn’t he?
HALEY
…Yes. I mean, we’re just friends now.
LUKE
Sure, sure.
HALEY
(Hitting him playfully.)
Stop.
LUKE
So…
HALEY
What?
LUKE
How many?
HALEY
I asked you first.
LUKE
I don’t think you technically did. But…six.
HALEY
Six.
LUKE
I think that’s respectable. And…
HALEY
Five, actually. You have me beat.
LUKE
And he just asks girls this like it’s not big deal.
HALEY
I guess it works.
LUKE
So, what’s your story?
HALEY
What?
LUKE
I mean, as long as we’re locked up here…
HALEY
How much do you want to know? I mean, yeah, grew up, small town, came out here for school, stayed for work. Five boyfriends along the way.
LUKE
And where do you work again?
HALEY
Very funny.
(Laughs. LUKE joins in.)
They’re gonna miss me there this week. What about you?
LUKE
Oh, I’m just a beat reporter. They’ll cover for me, probably realize they don’t even need me after all.
HALEY
I’m sure that’s not true. But they might give you more time off.
LUKE
What do you mean?
HALEY
I think they’re overworking you. There’s such a thing as too much, you know?
LUKE
I’m just trying to make a good impression. And I like it.
HALEY
Well, you should take some time for yourself. That’s probably why you got sick.
LUKE
You got sick too.
HALEY
Yes. I did. You are right.
LUKE
Are you working too hard too?
HALEY
Probably. This is a lesson, then. Next time it could be mono.
LUKE
I don’t have mono.
HALEY
Neither do I. Maybe you can help me. Relaxing a little, when this is all over.
LUKE
I’m not the best at that.
HALEY
Yeah, I know. How about this, you help me, I’ll help you.
LUKE
You mean…
HALEY
I just mean I’ve never seen a guy who’s so busy. No time for anything.
LUKE
Isn’t that the truth.
HALEY
It is. And you’re probably sick of my texts by now.
LUKE
What? Oh. No, I’m not. I don’t always respond because I don’t like saying no. I just never have a night free. Or a day, really.
HALEY
Until now.
LUKE
Yeah, this is what it takes to get me to stop. And I’m serious, just ask Tony.
HALEY
I did.
LUKE
Oh?
HALEY
I ran into him. I probably sound completely crazy but I promise I’m not. Completely.
LUKE
Hey, relax. What did Tony tell you?
HALEY
Basically that.
LUKE
I’m just an ambitious guy. I’ll die alone surrounded by Pulitzer Prizes and back issues. It’ll be tragic.
HALEY
Sounds tragic.
LUKE
Trevor’s party was a major exception to the rule.
(An idea.)
How do you know him?
HALEY
Trevor? We had some classes together at NYU.
LUKE
Uh huh. Accounting?
HALEY
Well, yeah.
LUKE
(Putting the pieces together.)
Oh…Yeah.
HALEY
What?
LUKE
Nothing. Do you know Callie?
HALEY
Callie…
LUKE
Never mind. Or…Isaac. You know Isaac?
HALEY
Maybe. Isaac who?
LUKE
I don’t…actually know.
HALEY
Why do you ask?
LUKE
Nothing, I just-
(Idea.)
Pepper.
HALEY
(Beat, confused.)
…Salt.
LUKE
No, do you know Pepper?
HALEY
Are we playing some sort of game?
LUKE
No. I’m sorry.
HALEY
We’re doing small talk again.
LUKE
You’re right.
HALEY
And you hate that.
LUKE
How did you know-
HALEY
At Trevor’s. You kind of…cut to the chase there.
LUKE
I…did.
(Beat.)
Are you sure you’re not from Indiana?
HALEY
I told you, Massachusetts. Same as Dani.
LUKE
Oh yeah.
HALEY
You’re from Indiana.
LUKE
Good memory.
HALEY
Why’d you ask me that?
LUKE
(Putting down the box of cookies.)
I’ve got to stop eating these.
HALEY
Luke?
LUKE
Sorry, that’s the first solid food I’ve had in a couple days.
HALEY
Why’d you ask about all those people?
LUKE
Nothing. Sorry, I just feel a little-
HALEY
(With force.)
Luke. What’s my name?
LUKE
(Beat, smiles weakly.)
Come on.
HALEY
Luke…
LUKE
No, that’s mine. Yours is…
HALEY
You’ve got to be kidding me.
LUKE
No, hold on. You have to understand, I am the worst with names.
HALEY
Yeah? Everyone is the worst with names, come on!
LUKE
Seriously, even the people at work.
HALEY
I am the people at work. Accounting.
LUKE
That’s right, you…Of course…
HALEY
Haley.
LUKE
In all fairness I don’t think you ever really gave me your name.
HALEY
I’m sure I did when we met.
LUKE
Was that…a long time ago?
HALEY
Unbelievable.
LUKE
Halley’s a hard one to spell, I probably-
HALEY
It’s Haley.
LUKE
I’m not really thinking straight right now.
(Looking at the box of Nila Wafers.)
No way I ate all those.
HALEY
I was texting you all week. You called me twice!
(Sees his phone on the table and picks it up.)
You didn’t check the name?
LUKE
Hey, no! Give me that!
HALEY
(Looking at the phone.)
Keypad locked…How do you…
(Exasperated, looks back at LUKE.)
Do you make a habit out of this? Hooking up with girls you don’t know?
LUKE
I told you that was out of character.
HALEY
Did you even remember we kissed? Or if I hadn’t said we made out-
LUKE
Of course I remembered! Come on.
(A feeble attempt at charm.)
How could I forget that?
HALEY
(Fiddling with his phone as he tries to take it from her.)
I gave you my number that night. What, did you leave the name blank. Spent the whole week thinking, “Who is this woman, how do I know her?”
LUKE
No, I didn’t…Just let me see the phone, I’ll put your name in now. I just saved your number in their under…
HALEY
(Finding it on the phone.)
“Tongue?”
(Looks up at him, enraged.)
You saved my number under “Tongue?”
LUKE
It was the first thing that popped into…
HALEY
Into…I really don’t believe this.
(Laughs.)
Tongue!
LUKE
There are worse thing, come on. I love tongue!
HALEY
(Throwing his phone at him.)
Un-believable.
LUKE
Ow, hey I…
(Stops in his tracks, bends over slightly.)
Oh, wow…
HALEY
Is there any reason you didn’t just ask?
LUKE
I didn’t-
(Clutches his stomach.)
Oh man, wow wow ow ah ahh…
(Continues over the following, largely unnoticed by HALEY.)
HALEY
This was a better plan? Some fake name, like I’d never notice, like you would never need to…You never thought you’d see me again, did you? Obviously you didn’t remember you see me every day, no, you just thought I was Tongue from the party, some floozie Trevor invited over-
(LUKE, in his agony, has retrieved from the floor a large bowl over the preceding dialogue and at this point he vomit violently into the bowl. HALEY stops talking and reels around to see him.)
Are you serious?
(LUKE composes himself and looks up at HALEY pitifully. Beat.)
You had to eat all the cookies.
(Beat. HALEY sighs, then crosses to LUKE, takes the bowl.)
Are you done?
(LUKE nods.)
Sit down. Deep breaths.
(HALEY exits into the bathroom with the bowl. Her voice is heard from offstage.)
Do you have any saltines or Sprite? I should’ve realized cookies weren’t the best idea. Tell Tony he should have cleaned the bathroom before he left. Unless this is all your mess. Don’t answer that.
(Reenters with his toothbrush and toothpaste. Over the following she puts toothpaste on the brush.)
You weren’t kidding about the vomiting either. That was…impressive. Brush.
(Hands LUKE the toothbrush and he brushes his teeth over the following. HALEY picks up his phone again.)
And here, I’ll save you the trouble. Only because I feel sorry for you right now.
(Entering her name on the phone.)
H-A-L-E-Y, that’s how you spell it. Go spit.
(LUKE exits into the bathroom. HALEY looks around and begins tidying things up around the room. After a minute, he reenters with the bowl, now empty and rinsed out. He sits on the couch.)
Lie down.
(He does.)
Do you feel okay?
LUKE
Better.
HALEY
Good. You’re lucky you have me here.
Rocky start for these two….I’m interested to see what happens next.